Life · Relationships

The Best Deceptions

Dashboard Confessional performed in LA this past weekend, and I literally wanted to talk about how amazing the show was and how important their music was to me growing up. I wanted to share some photos and videos and giggle like a school girl while I wrote about how I danced with my friend and sang at the top of my lungs.

And then my night literally turned into the reason why Dashboard Confessional’s lyrics resonate so much with me.

Dashboard Confessional was the band I listened to when I thought I understood what love was. Growing older and experiencing so much more I realize how misplaced these emotions were – and how my experiences in my 20s have been a culmination of the things Chris Carrabba wrote about most likely in his 20s. My understanding of love and relationships has definitely matured, but I unfortunately have the luck of a fly in regards to my own personal matters. So in knowing this, I’ve spent a good majority of my life limiting my romantic involvement with people thinking I can avoid horrible experiences by patiently waiting.

I wanted to write this with a clear mind, free from emotion and irrational anger, but I also know that it would be the most honest piece of writing I could put forth – because I know there is someone else out there that needs to read this.

Saturday night after the concert, I dealt with an inevitable rejection. And as much as I tried to convince myself that it would be fine no matter what, I still went through this whirlwind of emotions. When I allowed myself to have some clear thought, I honestly thought of the 5 Stages of Grief and that poor giraffe from Robot Chicken.

Me, minus the quicksand.

I wouldn’t necessarily say the cycle for grief would fully apply (NO BARGAINING EVER, OK?) but there are definitely some take aways:

“Guilt” – You start wondering if somehow your actions in the past have come full circle to bite you in the butt. As if you’re being punished for kicking some boy in the nuts on the bus way back in 6th grade. Don’t ask questions like “What’s wrong with me?” There is no honest answer to this, and even if there were an honest answer to it, it would not help you feel any better. If you are a decent person and were without fault in the matter, the issue is primarily with the other person.

“Anger” – During this time, you’ve probably thought of every sign, of everything you’d ever done for that other person and it’s induced a rage that nearly causes you to go blind. This is normal. You are permitted this time, and you are perfectly allowed to let everything off of your chest. Do not go overboard. Do not threaten their life. You may wish for karma to spin around and bite them, but do not settle for too long in your rage (it causes wrinkles).

“Depression” – At this point you’re probably innocently attempting to eat a bowl of cereal, or that pork chop you made a couple of nights ago, and burst into tears out of nowhere. If you’re anything like me, you live inside of your head often. You have vivid memories and cannot help but think about every detail of that person or how silly you feel for being this way over a person. It feels as though your heart has been completely torn from your chest, you have swollen eyes and a headache from crying so much. This is also fine, and you should also not dwell in this for too long.

“Acceptance” – You’ve rewarmed that abandoned pork chop from earlier at around 1am and decide to write it out. People will always do what’s best for them in the end. They sometimes will act against your heart in the best interest of theirs, and that’s fine. You do not, however, have any obligation to keep people like that around in your life. Also remember that your life doesn’t pause because your heart is broken. There is no pause button for your bills, student loans and job. Accept the lesson and keep pressing forward. That person was not your person.

So I didn’t get to brag about my amazing experience at the show, but I definitely was able to fully live out the lyrics of one of my favorite songs (*sarcasm*). I’m fine. You’re fine. We’ll all be just fine. Keep fighting the good fight, my friends.



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