I hate to feel like I am becoming a person who only writes when certain aspects of life aren’t going well – I’d love to display the good more frequently than the bad, but I often get lost and feel as though I lack the ability to write something worthy of reading. Tonight I decided to remind myself that the first step of actually writing a post is opening the damn website and clicking “Write” – and here I am.
During my extended hiatus, I had an adventure in Palm Springs with friends, hiked to the end of a trail I’d been swearing I’d finish for over a year now, picked up a new “hobby” of sorts, and fell into a semi-deep depression about my present and future in Los Angeles. Admittedly, despite the highs I reached a low that rattled me to my core and also made me take a deep look at myself overall. I wrote about the good things (which I intend to share in the near future), but I want to take some time to talk about the bad.
I drank a cup of coffee today, which I don’t typically do because I suddenly have feelings of anxiety. I’m not sure if I can fully attribute the melancholy to the coffee, but all day my mind was going a mile a minute. I stretched myself thin with creative and semi-important tasks – mentally making note of the things I needed to do while not accomplishing anything at the same time. I sat for a few hours and mulled over depressive thoughts over all the things I needed to get done to break myself out of this rut.
Easier said than done.
– Neo in March 2017
This is nothing new to me and happens to be something I’ve struggled with for years. Despite knowing the things that drive me into perpetual unhappiness, the feelings of utter disappointment are too overwhelming. Am I PMSing? Probably. But the concerns and feelings exist even still without being heightened to this degree.
During this time, I begin to find a plethora of films, songs, books, blogs, and quotes that match my feelings. Within them I seek some sort of resolution to my own troubles and oftentimes it helps me to at least not be so hard on myself.
When watching animated films it’s frighteningly apparent how its messages are directed to adults as much as they are children. Starting from a young age it is ingrained in us that whatever you dream you can achieve, despite all difficulties and road blocks: don’t give up. We carry these lessons with us well into adulthood and somehow still fall victim to discouragement.
Life falls stagnant. In the back of your mind you’ve developed a million plans without a single course to execute one. How do you overcome this?
In my case most recently I’ve backtracked to some of the small things I made promises to myself to accomplish:
- I finished reading ‘The Alchemist’ (finally) – which happens to be a novel about a young man setting out to seek his personal treasure.
- I hiked to the top of the Vital Link Trail.
- Increased my physical activity by taking on a new class.
- Picked up and updated my bullet journal.
- Returned to my blog (at last).
And though it may be but a small dent in a list of perhaps 100 tasks and ideas, it’s good to be able to tick some things off.
Giving up is not an option.
Comfort is not always a guarantee and the more comfortable you are in an uncomfortable situation, the worse off you are. There is never any room for growth in these situations.
Find a person to yell at you. Give them full permission to ensure you are on your s#!^ as often as possible. In reality this person will have a life of their own to stay on top of, but a little added support here and there is always beneficial.
You are human. You are imperfect and can only strive for perfection, remember this.
Despite all of the downtrodden feelings of failure or “not being good enough” I’ve done a pretty decent job of looking like I’m enjoying the hell out of my life – mostly because I am. I am overjoyed that I get to wake up and experience life, I am just constantly aware that I can and will be the best version of myself. In all of that, I maintain my sanity by doing things that bring me joy (most revolving around food). Never forget to take care of yourself. Often times you will be all that you have – you have to remember to look out for yourself.
I also promise to write about something good happening in life very soon.
Just keep swimming, y’all.